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Nothing is that serious by `Anavah:iconAnavah:





“All the great sadnesses, great temptations,
and great mistakes are almost always
the result of loneliness.”
-- José Saramago, Margaret Jull Costa

In the end we all become graves,
our differences united by the same
neglect of weeds and immense
necropolis whose swathed residents
observe from quiet encasements.

Beyond our mounds will spread
giant limbs of balboa tapping
like trapped hangers behind closet
doors, casting macabre shadows
across plastic flowers and dirt.

One by one records are swallowed
by moths until all that remains
is a hovel of crumbling, chiseled
stone. History becomes an illusion
of mystery, like that black dog,

there -- beyond the cemetery bench,
sniffing out with such diligence you
would swear it was seeking the birth
certificate of God, until it cocks its leg
and pisses on the marble instead.

~
©2008-2009 `Anavah
:iconanavah:

Author's Comments

*Advanced Critique Always Encouraged*

:bulletpink:As has become a tradition with me, I'd like to thank those who helped wrestle this monster of the past down: *tinkwig, *anarchypress, ~Limbs-of-Osiris, *NormaL-UseR =bekkia and ~007-SugarShip.


Image: Conrad Aiken's bench-tomb, Bonaventure Cemetery, Savannah, Georgia.

Inscription: "Give my love to the world," and "Cosmos Mariner—Destination Unknown."


*All work copyrighted and may not be reproduced in any way without my written permission.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 1 1 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconcyranosdemet:
for myself, I'd like to know who owned the black dog, somehow it seems he took point in the whole endeavor...

--
Stay sane... starve a shrink
:iconanavah:
:)

--
No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.
:iconvespera:
I like the line "In the end we all become graves" especially

--
I suppose this is me slowly dying,
smearing myself against you, against the words I write,
leaving little bits like bright red Christmas presents,
moist and smelling like old iron artillery.
:iconanavah:
Thank you very much. :heart:

--
No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.
:icontherapudiccaffeine:
If not for the last stanza, it might have been the narrator. Imagine him in a suit, siting in front of some situational irony in the background, giving context to the events to the tune of the Twilight Zone theme song. Wouldn't that be something, huh? Haha.

--
Yes, I know I misspelled 'therapeutic' in my screen name, lol.

How come they fix the bridge after someone has already fallen?

All complicated questions have an answer that is short, sweet, and often wrong.
:iconanarchypress:
My suggestions below. If you have any questions about my choices, just let me know. And I agree with *vespera.

In the end we all become graves, our differences
united by the same neglect of weeds.

Beyond our mounds will spread giant tentacles
of balboa casting shadows of beasts in skeletal dances,
macabre tapping like flittering hangers behind closet
doors.

Doubt swallows our secrets, one by one. All
that remains is a sieved hovel of boulder
chiseled: BELOVED. History becomes a cul de sac
of coincidence embroiled in mystery

like that black dog we once saw from the cemetery
bench, sniffing out with such diligence it must
have been seeking the birth certificate of God

until it cocked its leg and pissed on the stone instead.


~M

--
[link]
:icontinkwig:
Wow! What a fine piece. I haven't got much. In 2:4 might try "mapping" instead of "lobbing"--pick up the shadow image more clearly. And maybe plain "city of silence" in 1:3? A necropolis being a city of the dead, as it stands this is rather like saying a city of the dead of silence, isn't it?

Strong, strong stuff.

--
We all want a part in the Big Conversation.
:iconanavah:
Thanks, tink! You always seem to hit the sore spots. I love the encapsulation of necropolis because you don't see it often compared to 'city of...'. I understand what you're saying about a cemetery being silent so I changed silence to darkness, shooting for the double entendre. I also took your recommendation about lobbing, and in keeping with the dance metaphor replaced it with dipping.

Let me know how you think they work, and thanks!

--
No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.
:iconanavah:
Thanks, Michael. I'm glad the beginning and ending seem to be so solid, as they're both vitally important for capturing attention as well as leaving the reader satisfied vs. disappointed. I've noted the parts you've omitted and will keep them in mind while gauging further responses.

Thanks so much for your time and recommendations. They're both appreciated.

--
No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.
:iconanavah:
There you are. It kept saying I had an additional response and I couldn't find it. Then I noticed you'd responded under another responder.

Thank you for responding. I'm glad the ending worked and was a surprise and bit of a twist as well. Thank you so much for the fave, too.

--
No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.

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