"The Ecstasy of Gold"
I dreamt of elongated aisles aligned with molded
silver and a nut-wrapped sticky something
that wasn't leftover chicken or deviled eggs
with pickles and paprika. I was 12 but felt
neonatal, like dough left to rise in warm glass
with an armadillo tongue curling up the inside
of my mouth and a continual loop transmitting,
"Desert sand, endless...a foreign and barren
tumbleweed mulling away distance." But it
was just my mother broadcasting, "Breakfast
time kiddies, orange and lemon poppy-seed
muffins so wake this instance!" Her voice flooded
the dormant backseat with Route 66 daybreak.
Siblings sauntered for juice under fluorescent
bulbs of Stuckey's where collector spoons
and pecan logs filled with creamed nougat lolled
in displays. All I had to my name was scarcely
a dollar of change in my wadded pocket of jeans.
Listen, I learned this while I chewed: "Happy
are those who dream dreams and are willing
to pay the price to make them come true."
~
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A story clearly told, with well-evoked scenes, strong images. The child speaker feels like “dough left to sweat in warm glass” of the overheated car. The rolling up armadillo tongue hints at animals seen along the way. The ending neatly wraps back to the beginning, from “I dreamt” to “Happy are those who dream dreams.” “Listen, I learned this at age 12” breaks the reverie to address the reader directly and is very effective.
I hear a slight confusion at the beginning having to do with the word “consist.” The reader understands, but “nut-wrapped” is stuck on too tightly—a nut-wrapped thing could not possibly consist of fried chicken and deviled egg, after all, so “didn’t consist” creates no actual negation.
Stanza six is neat, moved along by its dactyls—HAD to my NAME… DOL-lar of CHANGE… “ POCK-et of JEANS.” (Those are dactyls plus a beat, of course.)
Notable verbal music: “elongated aisles aligned”; “dormant backseat with Route 66 daybreak”, which creates some kind of marvelous inside out alliteration/echo/slant rhyme. The wonderful, carefully worked out misheard maternal words; the closing “true” vowel-rhymed with “chewed” from line one of that stanza, which says, yes, the poem ends here.
Great work.
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We all want a part in the Big Conversation.
First, thank you for taking the time for such an in depth critique by noticing and pointing out all the nuances, etc. In regards to the first stanza, I don't know if you've ever eaten something repeatedly enough that everything else begins to tastes like it? For example, I had an uncle once who absolutely hated chicken because it's all he ate as a child. He absolutely refused to eat it as an adult. Sometimes when a family is poor they might have the luxury of stopping for a cola, but normally haul their own food on cross-country road trips. It's typically something cheap and of the southern vein notorious for picnic food: fried chicken and deviled eggs topped with paprika, etc. When eaten enough, you begin to dream of other foods, like nut-wrapped-sticky things that don't consist of fried chicken, deviled egg and paprika.
I thought the key word in conveying that would be 'dreamt', as all things are possible in a dream. I'm not sure how I could revise to make better sense. Any suggestions?
Again, thank you for your time and words! They're greatly appreciated.
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I like the blend of hot, sticky voluptuous descriptions of comestibles with the practical, down-to-earth:
All I had to my name was roughly one
dollar of change in my wadded pocket of jeans.
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THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (This door is kept locked because of the draught - please use side door.)
I think there are two handles on tweaking stanza one, either at "thing" or at "consist of".
Maybe simply "thing that would not be fried chicken/...." That would work.
Or altering "thing" to "mouthful" or something similar would do it. It's "thing" and "consists" together that are the fly in the ointment to me.
I hope this is helpful!
Regarding editing, you've probably heard the phrase "a poem is never finished, only abandoned"--also used of plays and paintings. Not exactly what I believe, but it captures something!
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Thank you.
Again, thanks!
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No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.
Thank you.
(I still remember my first and even had change left...)
I think I'm satisfied now! Thanks so much! Sometimes you just need to bounce if off!
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No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.
Thank you.
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We all want a part in the Big Conversation.
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