Where an over-crowded class

becomes cliquey castanets knifing a teacher's
attempts to choreograph segregation to
Chicano, black and white.

delightful diction/alliteration


I really enjoyed this piece

--
an antique arms and armor expert

Wow, Anavah, what an ear you have! I continue to love your line breaks, the hidden rhymes (like Texas... sickness), the images ("houses we sowed", "glove compartment of my throat"). This poem is a banquet.

--
We all want a part in the Big Conversation.

this entire poem is amazing.

"No sooner than you arrive it's time to go,
so cake red clay souvenirs on the bottom of
your shoe and stain the floor-board from

Mississippi to New Mexico where ancient
language drops from mouths like lettuce-
packed tacos. Where an over-crowded class"

amazing.

this poem paints so many fantastic images in my mind... i can hardly keep track of them all, but i do, because they're all amazing.

--
i had an idea for a really clever signature.

...

but i forgot.

Another really good and rewarding poem!

I won't make any suggestions, but I will point out a few places where I as a careful reader became confused and had to reread the passage in order to interpret it. (Ambiguity can be a powerful poetic tool, and at times it can be the whole point of a poem. Yet it is also instructive for a poet to know how the audience interprets a poem, and especially where they may find the poem challenging.)

In line three, I expected "stain" to be "stains" as a parallel verb with "souvenirs" that agrees with "red clay." Or, instead, if "souvenirs" is a noun in the normal usage, I wouldn't expect "and" before "stain."

In stanza 3 it sounded like the teacher was doing the segregating, although the thrust of the castanet metaphor implies that it is the students who are dividing into cliques.

In Stanza 4 it seemed like having one's "mind cracked" would promote the burning of ingredients, because I imagined the pan broiling to be a synonym for pan frying. (If pan broiling involves placing a pan in the oven with the door cracked open, however, then the phrase represents an interesting displacement between physical surroundings and mental state.)

I interpreted the phrase "glove compartment of my throat" to mean that it is the narrator herself that is saying the phrase that she is listening to. If that is true, then the choice to end with "so I'm told" rather then something along the lines of "or so I keep telling myself" is an interesting externalization.

Anyway, these are the sections that made me stop and think, which can't be a bad thing. Thanks for sharing a really enjoyable poem!

Thank you. Much appreciated.

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No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.

Thank you (for the fav as well!). Always appreciate your time and words!

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No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.

Thank you! I'm glad you related so well and took the time to share it.

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No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.

My pleasure as always.

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We all want a part in the Big Conversation.

LOL! My goal is to get you and Tink on the same page and I will have known that I have hit the nail on the head!

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond so indepthly. It means a lot and helps me improve greatly. You've made some excellent points and perhaps together we can strengthen the piece somewhat.

In line three, I expected "stain" to be "stains" as a parallel verb with "souvenirs" that agrees with "red clay." Or, instead, if "souvenirs" is a noun in the normal usage, I wouldn't expect "and" before "stain."

After rereading I think the issue was in 'shoe' more than anything, in that it should have been pluralized (which I have subsequently done). Does this improve the flow?

In stanza 3 it sounded like the teacher was doing the segregating, although the thrust of the castanet metaphor implies that it is the students who are dividing into cliques.

This might be a simple syntax error of sorts but am uncertain. It seems to read straight-up to me: "an over-crowded class

room becomes cliquey castanets knifing a
teacher's attempts to choreograph segregation
to Chicano, black and white."

an overcrowded classroom [students] become cliquey castanets [racial inference] knifing [usurping] a teacher's attempts [I think key word here is 'attempts'] to choreograph segregation [like a unified dance] to....

I'm uncertain how I might word it more clearly but would love to hear your suggestion.

In Stanza 4 it seemed like having one's "mind cracked" would promote the burning of ingredients, because I imagined the pan broiling to be a synonym for pan frying. (If pan broiling involves placing a pan in the oven with the door cracked open, however, then the phrase represents an interesting displacement between physical surroundings and mental state.)

It's definitely the latter.

I interpreted the phrase "glove compartment of my throat" to mean that it is the narrator herself that is saying the phrase that she is listening to. If that is true, then the choice to end with "so I'm told" rather then something along the lines of "or so I keep telling myself" is an interesting externalization.

[b]spare map[/b] out of the glove compartment of my throat and listen...

I'm so glad you, in addition to a few others, take the time to let me know what makes you think; what you like or don't like; what works smoothly and what sputters a bit in your perception. The only difficulty I have is discussing the poem and its meaning. I have no idea why that is just so difficult for me to do. I completely agree with you that 'ambiguity can be a powerful poetic tool' and also agree about the importance of audience interpretation. Which is why comments like yours mean so much to me. They challenge my weak area: discussion geared toward improvement.

Would love to hear any suggestions which you feel may strengthen the parts which made you reread and think. Or, if the explanations/confirmations clarified things a bit.

Again, thank you SO much.

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No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.

I didn't write in detail because the poem demanded in-depth treatment or revision. I'm just obsessive about tasks in general, and I figured if I'm going to list notes so you can use me as sort of focus group, then I may as well be complete. In fact, there were only two points that I would even consider marking for possible revision.

The first point is simple--just a matter of grammar. If you mean the word "souvenirs" as a verb, then the verb "stain" has to agree with "clay," so it would be "stains" with an s. If you mean "souvenirs" as a noun, then presumably stain would be its agreeing verb, but it is unclear why it is preceded by the word "and."

Your metaphor about castanets was beautiful and absolutely clear, except that (for me) it was overshadowed by the line "teacher's attempts to choreograph segregation. " I know that you intend the word choreograph to signify that the teacher is attempting to alter or counteract the affects of segregation, but I was only able to come up with that reading after going over it 5 or 6 times. There is something hardwired in my head (based on my own experiences collaborating with a choreographer) that makes me think that a choreographer is the mastermind who plans and is responsible for how things are carried out. With this understanding, to choreograph segregation would be to design it and arrange how it unfolds in all its particulars. (I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant, but a person who interacts with actual choreographers might have to fight hard against that sort of reading--depending on the personality of the choreographers, I suppose...)

On the other hand, the poem doesn't necessarily suffer if the reader believes the teacher to be complicit with the students' self-segregation. So I would consider just leaving it as it is, unless you are passionate about conveying a specific reading.

So there you have my considered recommendation on how to improve the poem: add an s.

Really, I am sorry to have wasted your time with this. Thanks for paying attention to my rambling on....